eat the whole grapefruit.

half-surrender isnt possible.

either you're fully surrendered to God or you're not surrendered at all.

surrender is just not one of those things you can do half-way.

you could be half-sincere in your prayers.
you could half-trust God with your future.
shoot, you could even eat half a grapefruit.

but you cant half-surrender your life to God.

granted, its possible to surrender some areas of your life to God, and not others, but seriously.. is that really surrender?

NOPE.

half-surrendering your life to God is like taking half a shower.

stupid.

and very difficult to do entirely sane.

i could elaborate on that metaphor if you wanted me to; say something about how, just as you have to take all your clothes off in order to take a full shower and be completely clean, so we too must "strip" ourselves of anything that is hindering us of entirely surrendering to God...

i have a feeling though that the expounding of that metaphor would be purely for my own entertainment, and wouldnt necessarily get the point across any better.

besides, im not really trying to get a point across. this isnt a Bible study or a class assignment. This is just me processing.
processing the sudden realization that, even though i would claim to be fully surrendered to God, im not really, because when i really stop and think about it, there are several areas of my life that i afraid to fully surrender over to God.

becuase, after all, full surrender means that Grace no longer has control.

Grace isnt always comfortable with that.

of course, Grace also talks about herself in third person, so maybe you shouldnt really trust anything Grace has to say.

im getting off track.

all im trying to say is, if you're going to fully surrender your life to Christ, you cant keep holding a peice of it back. even a tiny little peice. because the truth, as i have recently been punched in the face with, is that whatever little tiny peice of your life you're refusing to surrender to God, is going to cause major problems when you come around to the point of wanting to deepen your relationship with Him. that little tiny peice will HUGELY hinder the ability with which you approach the throne of grace, longing to be held by the Prince of Peace.

it hurts a little, because life can get a little sour sometimes, but i have a feeling that, once you let go of that tiny little peice, and stop trying to half-surrender yourself to Christ, the result will be oh so sweet.

go ahead, eat the whole grapefruit.

constant dance of unpredictability.

change.

sometimes just the sound of that word makes me quiver.

I’m not a change kind of a person. With the exception of my hair and wall decorations, I try to do as much as I can to keep things exactly the way they are: comfortable. I live for my schedule, my reliability, my predictability. One thing goes slightly off track, and I have the potential of a nervous breakdown.

I think it’s the control freak in me that doesn’t adjust well. When things around me change, I can't do anything to stop it; and that’s what scares me. Maybe that’s why I so frequently change my hair and wall decorations. Its that one little area of my life where I can control exactly how much change is going on.

and maybe im just psycho-analyzing myself.

but I think there's truth to it. I don’t change well.

ergo, there has been so much change in my life recently. And its because I don’t like change. No doubt. Im struggling in a certain area, so im doomed to be tested in it. (and by doomed I mean in an optimistic kind of way). That’s part of why God is so awesome, and part of why growing is so hard.

but mostly why God is so awesome.

I have discovered a new-found strength to face the multiple facets of my life that are in a constant dance of unpredictability. And its not because im cool.

Its because God is awesome.

Its because, even though im being confronted with one of my biggest fears (that something might not actually stay the same way forever) I have also been constantly reminded of this:

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8.

Talk about a smack in the face.

I asked God why there wasn’t just one thing that could possibly not change. This verse is the next thought that entered my head. Since then, it hasn’t left my head. Its kind of like when you get a song stuck in your head and no matter what you do to try to get rid of it, theres no hope.

Except that its because of whats stuck in my head that I have hope.

That’s why God is awesome.

and so, here i am, willingly climbing into the car that will take me on the ridiculous road trip of change that i am sure this new semester will bring. Blindly sitting in the passenger seat; apprehensively buckling my seat belt (not because im against seat belts, but because i know once its buckled that means im staying in the car); and putting my life and all the events it brings into the hand of the driver:

the One who is, exactly, precisely, always, the same...

yesterday.

today.

and forever.