maybe, just maybe.

maybe im not cut out to be a counselor.

everytime i encounter someone needing advice, its like i just looked at myself in a giant mirror. a giant mirror exposing my every downfall. I advise someone about their situation, and im left sitting there convicted by my own words. I hear myself talking to someone about what they need to change in their life, and meanwhile i'm feeling like the hugest hypocrite in the world.

just a little overwhelming.

i tell the impatient to wait for God's perfect timing.... guess what my biggest struggle is?

i tell the self-pitying to count their blessings... guess what i have a hard time doing?

i tell the weak in heart to rely on Gods strength... guess what i need to start doing?

i tell the insecure to find their significance in God... guess where i need to place my own significance?

turns out, i should probably be learning the very same things as everyone else.

and i wonder why, at the end of the day, i have a hard time putting my finger a single lesson i have learned. i wonder why it feels like i am always learning about 7 and a half billion things at once. i wonder why i am on lesson overload.

maybe if i would start listening to my own advice.

maybe i would learn what it means to wait for Gods timing, and not just say i am. but really, truly, trust that God's timing is perfect.

maybe i would realize just how blessed i truly am. how silly it is for me to sit and feel sorry for myself.

maybe i would discover a new-found strength to make it through the day. perhaps even find that peace that passes all understanding.

maybe i would stop placing my significance in others, or my own accomplishments. stop being insecure in who God has created me to be. fully recognize my significance; as a child of God.

but maybe, just maybe, its good that i dont have it all together. maybe its good that i am forced to give the advice i need to hear. maybe its good that i am being convicted by every word that comes out of my mouth. maybe its good that i am on lesson overload. because clearly, i have a little to learn.

afterall, who wants to hear advice from someone who has all the answers. psh... not i.

maybe God wants to use a silly little counselor like me.

peanut butter and jelly.

time for my semester debriefing. i love the end of the semester when i can look back and see where i have come from. makes me feel like maybe something was accomplished this semester other than just 16 more credit hours.

call it introspection. call it reflection. call it paralysis of analysis (which is probably the most accurate description). you could call it peanut butter and jelly. but semester debriefing is fun for me.

if i could give this semester a theme, i would call it "grace. "

thats a play on words.

lets start theologically. never a bad idea. this semester was full of grace. because i probably need more grace than most people. maybe my parents anticipated that when they were naming me. maybe they knew that i would have a tendency to let the depraved side of me take over a little too often. but then, we would all have to be named grace. and that would just get complicated.

but God has shown me so much grace this semester. whenever i got discouraged or upset or impatient or irritated or discontent, i could just sense God waiting patiently for me. He always took me back when i started to feel really bad about myself. He's pretty awesome like that. i kinda felt like a three year old. you say sorry, and mean it, but then you see someone else who has a toy you want and decide the best way to get it is to punch them in the face. then you say sorry, and mean it. then you punch someone else in the face. i think i punched a lot of people in the face this semester.

metaphorically.

lets shift to the other grace i was talking about.
that grace is this one.
me.

this semester, i was so awakened to myself. its like i woke up every morning and was forced to look in the mirror. but instead of reflecting my ever-changing hair style, sleep deprived eyes, and irrespectivly attempted smile, it reflected my insides.

not blood and guts, you sicko.

my heart. and not the organ. grace, the heart. over and over again, i got a overwhelming dose of myself. everything i am was brought right in front of me; what drives me, what tears me down, all my insecurities, all my confidences, what i look like at my very best, and what i look like at my very worst.

grace.

we became very well acquainted this semester.

at first, it was all very overwhelming. i realized what a complicated mess of a human being i truly am. but at the same time, while God was displaying for me all the ways in which i have so far to go, He was also showing me all the ways in which He was maturing me. all the ways in which my insecurities were the best teacher i had ever had.

sometimes i get sick of learning.

seriously, sometimes i wish i could just learn a lesson and take a break. but there is no break. once one lesson has been taught (though not nearly mastered) the next lesson starts up. then before you know it, the next lesson begins. and dont plan on mastering that material, because dont you know it, the next one is coming.
so many lessons. always learning, and never mastering. just learning.

as a dear friend put it, "Grace, thats called growing."

graduation will come at glorification.

so here i sit. my first night at "home" after completing my fifth semester of college. blanket around my shoulders, mug full of hot tea next to my laptop propped up on the kitchen table. the only sounds i hear are ella fitzgerald singing to me the sad song of love and a faint chiming of the clock in the family room revealing to me that i should be sleeping. the main thoughts going through my head- with the exception of all the complicated ever-present wonderings - is that i just used a lot of words to say what i probably could have said in these seven:

i have grown a lot this semester.

definitely not without its trials, but it has been an incredible semester. i am thankful for what i have learned.

graduation is pretty far off though.

im still in kindergarten.

sometimes she forgets.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,"

-William Shakespeare. As you like it.



behind the eyes, behind the smile. dig deep.
dig through the laughter.
dig through the wit.
dig deep.
through layers and layers of valiant attempts to repair.
imagine you're able to dig through them all.
what do you see?
pain? hurt? long-repressed tears?
ill tell you what you wont find,
if you can dig that deep.
you wont find eyes. you wont find smiles.
you wont find laughter. you wont find wit.
if anything, you'll find a pseudo reality of joy, clung to tightly by its owner.

why?

why hide?

no one's counting.

this isnt a game.

imagine with me a scenario.
a typical interaction in the hall on the way to somewhere
you dont want to go:
"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, you?"
"Good."
"Great, see you later."

what if the answer was, "not good. not good at all. im barely hanging in there."
what if i told you those 11 words are most frequently abbreviated to "Good."

would you still ask how they are doing?
do you still care?

why is it that we are so blessed?
blessed with a mind to formulate thoughts.
blessed with a mouth to articulate thoughts.

why does our formulating and articulating result in cliche?
im no mathematician, but those two dont add up.

what are we afraid of them seeing?
a real person?
because last i checked,
most of us are of the more real variety of human.

so what if they know.
so what if they see us cry.
so what if we happen to tell them why it hurts.

why is the easiest costume for pain to put on... a hearty laugh?

im about to say something shocking.

Christians hurt too.

we may have the joy of the Lord,
but the ocean we swim in is infested with sorrow.

clear the beach.
tell all your friends.
act 1 has ended.
the players are back stage putting on the next costume.

warming up their voices. getting into character.

but enter center stage with me.

she's beautiful. her tiara sparkles. her lines are flawless; thoroughly rehearsed.
but dig beneath the gown, deeper than the rib cage

her heart.
and it doesnt sparkle quite like the tiara does.

take her off stage. tell her the shows over.
sometimes she forgets.
gently take the tiara out of her hand.

tell her she can stop hiding now.

no ones counting.

his loving compassion, it knows no end.

meditate on these.

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

Sara Groves.

hug them and make it all go away.

"May my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God."

This was said by Robert Pierce, the founder of World Vision. Ever since i heard this quote last year, it has kind of become my life prayer. i thought it might be nice to care people.

the funny thing is that when you make something your life prayer, very often it eventually comes true. lately, this has come true. and my heart has been broken.

i have so many hurting friends. and recently, i have been impacted by them more than i usually am. when i see them crying, i want to cry. when i know that they are in pain, my stomach just knots up. all i want is to hug them and make it all go away.

im not saying this to be like, "look at me, i care about people." Because the thing is, it is so hard. i feel like my heart is re-broken every day. i think its because the thing that is making people hurt the most lately, is relationships. and for any of you who know me even a little bit, you know that relationships really... i dunno, fascinate me? relationships of every kind, whether romantic or platonic, i find to be the most interesting thing about a person. i have an interesting philosophy of relationships. at least i will once i formulate it. im still trying to formulate my theolgy of relationships. but thats a whole 'nother blog, a whole 'nother time.

this blog is ridiculous. pretty much, these are just the random thoughts that i have been mulling over for a few weeks. once i have a little more time on my hands (so basically, when i retire) i promise i will be posting something lengthy and profound.

woot.

be careful what you pray for. God hears it.

tonight, my faith was attacked in every possible sense of the word. i have never experienced opposition like i did tonight, and im still not sure how to process it all.

it all happened at work. caribou coffee; its monday night. i work with the same guy every monday night. our schedules are very consistent. its him and me for 5 hours. every monday night. he knows that i go to moody, and i know a little about the lifestyle he lives, but other than that, we have never really had any discussions regarding faith before.

all of that changed tonight.

i dont even know how it got started. all of a sudden, there i was, listening to him tear apart and argue with everything i believe in. he was being polite, and his intention was not to embarrass me or prove me wrong, but he was posing questions and arguments like i had never been personally faced with before. but heres the thing: this guy was in no way arguing out of ignorance. he grew up in the church, he had read the Bible, he knew what it said. in fact, there were parts of the Bible that he knew better than i did. He started asking me questions that i never thought i would be asked outside of systematic theology. questions like, "how did they determine which book were included in the canon; how do they know they got the right ones?", "how can each gospel portrays a different aspect of Jesus' life and still not contradict eachother. how can they still be talking about the same Jesus when they are from such different points of view? how is Jesus both God and man?", "why is it that some parts of the Bible say that all you need is faith, while others say that faith without works is dead?", and "why is it that in the Old Testament they had to make sacrifices for their sin, and now we dont?" <---- that one i at least could answer, which gave a great segue into the gospel message, and was feeling pretty proud of myself that i finally had an answer, until he asked: "well why is it that God waited until the New Testament times to send Jesus to die? Why couldnt Jesus die at the beginning of time and just by-pass all the sacrifices in the Old Testament?"

see what i mean....

i was defenseless. he was asking questions that people who devote their entire lives to studying the Bible cant answer. and there i was in that position. i stood my ground, though. i was consistent in my answers, and i even had scripture to back up most of my points. i totally tapped into my moody knowledge bank. and yet, i felt so stupid. you use the answer "because thats what the Bible tells us" for 50 consecutive questions and tell me you dont feel like an idiot. specially trying to explain that the Bible is true because the Bible says its true. yea, he didnt buy that. truth be told, i was more persuaded by his answers than mine. it came to the point where i just had to tell him... im sorry. i dont have all the answers. but what i do have is faith.

so what now? i have no idea. i dont know why God allowed this to happen to me. tonight challenged my faith like very few things have. but i think my faith is just a little bit stronger now because of it. its been a while since i had to really think: why do i believe this stuff? why am i devoting my entire life to the study of a book that most people dont even think is true? what makes me think im following the "right God?" i dont know. i dont know why i was so blessed to be one of the called ones. but for whatever reason, i was chosen. and am unabashedly following my calling. even if i dont have all the answers.

i think its important for me to mention here that on my way to work tonight i was praying that God would open some doors for me to talk to my coworker about my faith.

be careful what you pray for. God hears it.

what do i know of holy?

its the next day, and i have yet to articulate my thoughts. there are so many concerns, so many uncertainties. i am finding myself to be somewhat gripped by the paralysis of analysis. tonight at Bible study we split up into prayer groups and the girls and i in my group were talking about how restless we all are. i am not alone. not one of us was feeling peace about anything necessarily. maybe its just that point in the semester, but i think it goes deeper than that. as we prayed to close the night, we all found ourselves begging God to bring our hearts and minds to peace.

God is bigger than our anxieties. He created a universe so large that we cant even measure its vastness. and He created the very atoms and molecules that we are composed of. why are we so naive to think that He cant take care of the anxieties in our lives. how little we know of God, and yet we think we can do this "life thing" so much better than He can.

as we shared and prayed, i couldnt help but be reminded of this song by addison road. its most likely one of my favorite songs ever. i have been wanting to post the lyrics on my blog, and this gives me a good excuse to. i know its annoying when people post song lyric, but please humor me and at least read them. maybe you could meditate on them a little too. they really speak to how i am feeling right now. i know im not alone.

What do i know of Holy - Addison Road.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire, are You fury?
Are You sacred, are You beautiful?
What do I know, what do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

excepting my high school research paper.

ive been receiving feedback. feeedback as such that says that i havent posted a blog in 5 weeks and thats not acceptable.

sorry.

i will now make excuses about why i havent posted in 5 weeks.

college.

turns out it keeps you busy. throughout the week i have a grand total of about 5 hours of "free time, " as if i even know what that means. i nanny now, which, i love. im kinda a stand-in mom for a couple days a week. the kids are great. at times very high-maintenence, and at times makes me want to strangle myself. or them. BUT, nonetheless my heart is full of love for those kids. Isabelle is 8, Julian is 4. i call them my kids. sometimes i feel like they are. honestly, it makes me so excited to be a mom someday. even though they take so much work. i can see now why my mom said it was so worth it. they take up my tuesdays and thursdays. two full days well spent.

monday nights i still work at Caribou Coffee. the main reason i went back was for the free coffee. caribou is the only coffee ill drink now. and only two or three kinds that we have. ground the way like it, brewed the way i like it. im a coffee snob. im not ashamed.

wednesday nights are spent out in the suburbs with the youth group i wrote about previously (the two junior-high girls that came to Christ). I love those two girls. i love all junior highers. talk about a sub culture that i will never understand. I try though. to them im probably the dorky college girl that tries to fit in with people half her age. i dont care.

fridays and saturdays are never consistent. sometimes i do homework, sometimes i dont. sometimes i babysit, sometimes i dont. i love my weekends off, but sometimes its nice to have some extra cash for school. gotta do what i can. sundays are homework, last minute sleep catch-up, and Bible study at night.

thats my week. throw in all the classes, misc meetings, homework, workouts, and ocassional sleep, and you're left with about 5 hours. maybe two of you cared. all i wanted to prove was that im busy. im using that as my excuse for not blogging. but i promise ill try to do better.

im having a hard time articulating tonight. i appologize, you'll have to bear with me. i feel like my head is so full of thoughts it could spew any minute. (i was about to use the word explode, but decided to go the more graphic route. just for kicks.) sometimes, you have those nights (i know you do) where there is so much going through your head its almost as if theres nothing at all. Tonight, is one of those nights. i could put my finger on a few things, but im choosing not to. i find that the more i wallow in my thoughts, especially when they arent necessarily possitive, im only hurting myself. articulating those thoughts doesnt help at all. once they are out, i find it harder to get rid of them. i need to give them to God before they spew all over.

take them.

i guess i have covered the basics. Now you're all up to date with my weekly schedule and the masses of thoughts that are going through my head. none of which i told you. this was possibly the least exciting thing i have ever written.

excepting my high school research paper.

but its still a blog. WAIT! NO! i take that back. this IS exciting. its my life. this is what i do day to day. this is the stage of life i am in. and its exciting. its confusing, its heartbreaking, its joyful. its teaching, its testing, its stretching. this is my life. this is what i do. sometimes i love this stage, sometimes i wish i was in any other stage of life. but regardless, this is where i am. God had me be born in 1988 so that in 2008 i would be in this stage of life.

i am content.

easier said than done.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5

Once upon a time, i was lacking wisdom. I wont explain the situation here. Too many words, thoughts, and emotions to place in one blog; and too much information. You'll just have to take my word for it. But wisdom was definitely not on the top of my "supplies" list. Which way to turn? Or not turn? How much is too much? Should i even be going there? So many unanswered questions... i figured if i followed suit with James 1:5, i theoretically should be able to figure out what i am supposed to do. So i prayed. For a while without much of a response.

Then i got a response.

It wasn't the response i wanted. I doubt I'm the only one who has experienced this. Its like, "here's what i want to do, but i don't know if its what God wants me to do, so maybe if i pray about it, God will confirm what i want to do. " Well, if you're listening correctly, that's not necessarily how it works. If you whole-heartedly pray for wisdom, you'll eventually get an answer. And then you have a choice. Do you listen to Gods voice and direction, or pretend like you still dont know whats going on and go with what you want to do? I wish i could say that i have always listened and followed God's leading. That would make me a liar. I often decide that i want to be in control after all, and go with what i have decided is a good idea. That never worked out so well for me. But no more. This time, i am listening to and following the wisdom that i feel God has placed within me for this situation.

Easier said than done.

Last night, i was great with God's decision. I was thankful for His wisdom imparted to me, and at peace about the decision i had to make and the direction i was going to or not going to take. I was actually excited about trusting God with my future. This morning, there was not quite as much peace involved. "This is stupid, why cant i just do what i want to do?"

Its so easy to fall into this attitude. At least for me. I pray for God's will, then i find it, then i dont want it anymore. There is kind of this battle inside of me. I want to follow God's will, but at the same time, i dont want to. In this battle im fighting, i know what direction i should take. I know that i should stop fighting and just retreat. God has made that pretty clear to me. As my commander, God has this whole battle under control. Thats what He keeps trying to tell me.

So here i sit. The morning after "figuring out Gods will." (at least in this area. I have in no way figured out God's full will for my life. If i knew that, i wouldnt be sitting in my dorm room at my laptop telling my blog exactly whats on my heart.) As hard as it is, im just following. Blindly, for sure, but nonetheless following. Trusting. Waiting.

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

two hours later, and the goosbumps still linger.

You want a cure-all for your problems, questions, and worries...?

Be sitting in the room when two junior high girls give their lives to Christ.

No matter how many times you are privileged enough to be the one that God uses to bring them to Him, it doesn't get old. Two hours later, and the goosebumps still linger.

At youth group tonight, i was instantly discouraged when 9 of my 11 girls didnt show up. "Two girls tonight, God? Are you serious? What did i do wrong?" Still, i put on a happy face as we walked into the hall to have a little pow-pow on the floor for our small group time. Normally we would sit in a nice room with a nice table and nice walls around us. That seemed too huge for us, so our little threesome meandered into the hall and sat down. Our lesson was on sin. Assuming that the two 13-year olds in front of me were well aquainted with the ways of the church, i just breezed through the questions and discussion until i got to the end. I said something along the lines of "... and thats why Christ died for us." Something inside of me told me that i should tell the whole story. So, i quickly brushed through the story of Christ dying on the cross for our sins and was instantly met with confused looks from both girls. I was shocked to find out that this was the first time they had even heard the gospel message. I quickly and silently asked God for strength and words and slowly started at the beginning. As i told the girls the story of God sending His only Son to earth the die, i watched the expression on their faces turn from confusion to utter awe. "God did that for us?" They were ecsatic. I was news like they had never heard before. One girl stated, "It really makes me want to tell everyone!" They were full of questions, full of excitement. After asking them if they wanted to accept Christ's free gift of eternal life right then, one responded with an instant nod then turned to her friend. "Thats exactly what i was thinking." was her contemplative reply.

Only God knows exactly what was in their hearts as they prayed with me tonight. But if my own excitement is any indication of how happy they felt, there are three individuals that are absolutely on top of the world tonight. Like i said, i never gets old.

I completely forgot what i was worrying about earlier. Boys maybe? Who cares.

yet here i am.

blogs.... frighten me.... and yet here i am. Something about bearing all thoughts and feelings for... who knows... to read, doesn't seem quite right. and yet here i am. Every experience i have had with blogs, hasn't necessarily been positive. I think this is primarily because every experience i have had with blogs end up with my friends (as well as myself) bearing WAY too much information into their complicated minds that most of the world has no business knowing about. and yet here i am. I think its important to note here though that the last experience i had with blogs was myspace in high school. enough said. A 16 year old writing a myspace blog usually doesn't have much of a filtering system. so, here i am... no longer the 16 year old complicated mess with no filtering system. Instead, i approach the blogging world now as a 20 year old complicated mess with probably too much of a filtering system. Perhaps I'll be able to find a happy medium. That striving has kind of been the story of my life. (wait.. is that revealing too much?)

regardless of my apprehensions (big word points), here i am. Face to face with the probably-not-as-complex-as-i-think-it-is world of blogging. I think the main reason i gave into this was because i often find myself wanting to just get my thoughts out there, and the only mode i had been using was facebook notes. (i know... big stuff. i have moved on from myspace to facebook. true signs of maturity)

so, after that extended, unneeded introduction, i welcome thee, to my blog. The site where you will now be able to experience the intricacies of my complex mind every once and a while. This is not for the physically weak. It could be a bumpy ride.