easier said than done.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5

Once upon a time, i was lacking wisdom. I wont explain the situation here. Too many words, thoughts, and emotions to place in one blog; and too much information. You'll just have to take my word for it. But wisdom was definitely not on the top of my "supplies" list. Which way to turn? Or not turn? How much is too much? Should i even be going there? So many unanswered questions... i figured if i followed suit with James 1:5, i theoretically should be able to figure out what i am supposed to do. So i prayed. For a while without much of a response.

Then i got a response.

It wasn't the response i wanted. I doubt I'm the only one who has experienced this. Its like, "here's what i want to do, but i don't know if its what God wants me to do, so maybe if i pray about it, God will confirm what i want to do. " Well, if you're listening correctly, that's not necessarily how it works. If you whole-heartedly pray for wisdom, you'll eventually get an answer. And then you have a choice. Do you listen to Gods voice and direction, or pretend like you still dont know whats going on and go with what you want to do? I wish i could say that i have always listened and followed God's leading. That would make me a liar. I often decide that i want to be in control after all, and go with what i have decided is a good idea. That never worked out so well for me. But no more. This time, i am listening to and following the wisdom that i feel God has placed within me for this situation.

Easier said than done.

Last night, i was great with God's decision. I was thankful for His wisdom imparted to me, and at peace about the decision i had to make and the direction i was going to or not going to take. I was actually excited about trusting God with my future. This morning, there was not quite as much peace involved. "This is stupid, why cant i just do what i want to do?"

Its so easy to fall into this attitude. At least for me. I pray for God's will, then i find it, then i dont want it anymore. There is kind of this battle inside of me. I want to follow God's will, but at the same time, i dont want to. In this battle im fighting, i know what direction i should take. I know that i should stop fighting and just retreat. God has made that pretty clear to me. As my commander, God has this whole battle under control. Thats what He keeps trying to tell me.

So here i sit. The morning after "figuring out Gods will." (at least in this area. I have in no way figured out God's full will for my life. If i knew that, i wouldnt be sitting in my dorm room at my laptop telling my blog exactly whats on my heart.) As hard as it is, im just following. Blindly, for sure, but nonetheless following. Trusting. Waiting.

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

two hours later, and the goosbumps still linger.

You want a cure-all for your problems, questions, and worries...?

Be sitting in the room when two junior high girls give their lives to Christ.

No matter how many times you are privileged enough to be the one that God uses to bring them to Him, it doesn't get old. Two hours later, and the goosebumps still linger.

At youth group tonight, i was instantly discouraged when 9 of my 11 girls didnt show up. "Two girls tonight, God? Are you serious? What did i do wrong?" Still, i put on a happy face as we walked into the hall to have a little pow-pow on the floor for our small group time. Normally we would sit in a nice room with a nice table and nice walls around us. That seemed too huge for us, so our little threesome meandered into the hall and sat down. Our lesson was on sin. Assuming that the two 13-year olds in front of me were well aquainted with the ways of the church, i just breezed through the questions and discussion until i got to the end. I said something along the lines of "... and thats why Christ died for us." Something inside of me told me that i should tell the whole story. So, i quickly brushed through the story of Christ dying on the cross for our sins and was instantly met with confused looks from both girls. I was shocked to find out that this was the first time they had even heard the gospel message. I quickly and silently asked God for strength and words and slowly started at the beginning. As i told the girls the story of God sending His only Son to earth the die, i watched the expression on their faces turn from confusion to utter awe. "God did that for us?" They were ecsatic. I was news like they had never heard before. One girl stated, "It really makes me want to tell everyone!" They were full of questions, full of excitement. After asking them if they wanted to accept Christ's free gift of eternal life right then, one responded with an instant nod then turned to her friend. "Thats exactly what i was thinking." was her contemplative reply.

Only God knows exactly what was in their hearts as they prayed with me tonight. But if my own excitement is any indication of how happy they felt, there are three individuals that are absolutely on top of the world tonight. Like i said, i never gets old.

I completely forgot what i was worrying about earlier. Boys maybe? Who cares.

yet here i am.

blogs.... frighten me.... and yet here i am. Something about bearing all thoughts and feelings for... who knows... to read, doesn't seem quite right. and yet here i am. Every experience i have had with blogs, hasn't necessarily been positive. I think this is primarily because every experience i have had with blogs end up with my friends (as well as myself) bearing WAY too much information into their complicated minds that most of the world has no business knowing about. and yet here i am. I think its important to note here though that the last experience i had with blogs was myspace in high school. enough said. A 16 year old writing a myspace blog usually doesn't have much of a filtering system. so, here i am... no longer the 16 year old complicated mess with no filtering system. Instead, i approach the blogging world now as a 20 year old complicated mess with probably too much of a filtering system. Perhaps I'll be able to find a happy medium. That striving has kind of been the story of my life. (wait.. is that revealing too much?)

regardless of my apprehensions (big word points), here i am. Face to face with the probably-not-as-complex-as-i-think-it-is world of blogging. I think the main reason i gave into this was because i often find myself wanting to just get my thoughts out there, and the only mode i had been using was facebook notes. (i know... big stuff. i have moved on from myspace to facebook. true signs of maturity)

so, after that extended, unneeded introduction, i welcome thee, to my blog. The site where you will now be able to experience the intricacies of my complex mind every once and a while. This is not for the physically weak. It could be a bumpy ride.