his loving compassion, it knows no end.

meditate on these.

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

Sara Groves.

hug them and make it all go away.

"May my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God."

This was said by Robert Pierce, the founder of World Vision. Ever since i heard this quote last year, it has kind of become my life prayer. i thought it might be nice to care people.

the funny thing is that when you make something your life prayer, very often it eventually comes true. lately, this has come true. and my heart has been broken.

i have so many hurting friends. and recently, i have been impacted by them more than i usually am. when i see them crying, i want to cry. when i know that they are in pain, my stomach just knots up. all i want is to hug them and make it all go away.

im not saying this to be like, "look at me, i care about people." Because the thing is, it is so hard. i feel like my heart is re-broken every day. i think its because the thing that is making people hurt the most lately, is relationships. and for any of you who know me even a little bit, you know that relationships really... i dunno, fascinate me? relationships of every kind, whether romantic or platonic, i find to be the most interesting thing about a person. i have an interesting philosophy of relationships. at least i will once i formulate it. im still trying to formulate my theolgy of relationships. but thats a whole 'nother blog, a whole 'nother time.

this blog is ridiculous. pretty much, these are just the random thoughts that i have been mulling over for a few weeks. once i have a little more time on my hands (so basically, when i retire) i promise i will be posting something lengthy and profound.

woot.

be careful what you pray for. God hears it.

tonight, my faith was attacked in every possible sense of the word. i have never experienced opposition like i did tonight, and im still not sure how to process it all.

it all happened at work. caribou coffee; its monday night. i work with the same guy every monday night. our schedules are very consistent. its him and me for 5 hours. every monday night. he knows that i go to moody, and i know a little about the lifestyle he lives, but other than that, we have never really had any discussions regarding faith before.

all of that changed tonight.

i dont even know how it got started. all of a sudden, there i was, listening to him tear apart and argue with everything i believe in. he was being polite, and his intention was not to embarrass me or prove me wrong, but he was posing questions and arguments like i had never been personally faced with before. but heres the thing: this guy was in no way arguing out of ignorance. he grew up in the church, he had read the Bible, he knew what it said. in fact, there were parts of the Bible that he knew better than i did. He started asking me questions that i never thought i would be asked outside of systematic theology. questions like, "how did they determine which book were included in the canon; how do they know they got the right ones?", "how can each gospel portrays a different aspect of Jesus' life and still not contradict eachother. how can they still be talking about the same Jesus when they are from such different points of view? how is Jesus both God and man?", "why is it that some parts of the Bible say that all you need is faith, while others say that faith without works is dead?", and "why is it that in the Old Testament they had to make sacrifices for their sin, and now we dont?" <---- that one i at least could answer, which gave a great segue into the gospel message, and was feeling pretty proud of myself that i finally had an answer, until he asked: "well why is it that God waited until the New Testament times to send Jesus to die? Why couldnt Jesus die at the beginning of time and just by-pass all the sacrifices in the Old Testament?"

see what i mean....

i was defenseless. he was asking questions that people who devote their entire lives to studying the Bible cant answer. and there i was in that position. i stood my ground, though. i was consistent in my answers, and i even had scripture to back up most of my points. i totally tapped into my moody knowledge bank. and yet, i felt so stupid. you use the answer "because thats what the Bible tells us" for 50 consecutive questions and tell me you dont feel like an idiot. specially trying to explain that the Bible is true because the Bible says its true. yea, he didnt buy that. truth be told, i was more persuaded by his answers than mine. it came to the point where i just had to tell him... im sorry. i dont have all the answers. but what i do have is faith.

so what now? i have no idea. i dont know why God allowed this to happen to me. tonight challenged my faith like very few things have. but i think my faith is just a little bit stronger now because of it. its been a while since i had to really think: why do i believe this stuff? why am i devoting my entire life to the study of a book that most people dont even think is true? what makes me think im following the "right God?" i dont know. i dont know why i was so blessed to be one of the called ones. but for whatever reason, i was chosen. and am unabashedly following my calling. even if i dont have all the answers.

i think its important for me to mention here that on my way to work tonight i was praying that God would open some doors for me to talk to my coworker about my faith.

be careful what you pray for. God hears it.

what do i know of holy?

its the next day, and i have yet to articulate my thoughts. there are so many concerns, so many uncertainties. i am finding myself to be somewhat gripped by the paralysis of analysis. tonight at Bible study we split up into prayer groups and the girls and i in my group were talking about how restless we all are. i am not alone. not one of us was feeling peace about anything necessarily. maybe its just that point in the semester, but i think it goes deeper than that. as we prayed to close the night, we all found ourselves begging God to bring our hearts and minds to peace.

God is bigger than our anxieties. He created a universe so large that we cant even measure its vastness. and He created the very atoms and molecules that we are composed of. why are we so naive to think that He cant take care of the anxieties in our lives. how little we know of God, and yet we think we can do this "life thing" so much better than He can.

as we shared and prayed, i couldnt help but be reminded of this song by addison road. its most likely one of my favorite songs ever. i have been wanting to post the lyrics on my blog, and this gives me a good excuse to. i know its annoying when people post song lyric, but please humor me and at least read them. maybe you could meditate on them a little too. they really speak to how i am feeling right now. i know im not alone.

What do i know of Holy - Addison Road.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire, are You fury?
Are You sacred, are You beautiful?
What do I know, what do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

excepting my high school research paper.

ive been receiving feedback. feeedback as such that says that i havent posted a blog in 5 weeks and thats not acceptable.

sorry.

i will now make excuses about why i havent posted in 5 weeks.

college.

turns out it keeps you busy. throughout the week i have a grand total of about 5 hours of "free time, " as if i even know what that means. i nanny now, which, i love. im kinda a stand-in mom for a couple days a week. the kids are great. at times very high-maintenence, and at times makes me want to strangle myself. or them. BUT, nonetheless my heart is full of love for those kids. Isabelle is 8, Julian is 4. i call them my kids. sometimes i feel like they are. honestly, it makes me so excited to be a mom someday. even though they take so much work. i can see now why my mom said it was so worth it. they take up my tuesdays and thursdays. two full days well spent.

monday nights i still work at Caribou Coffee. the main reason i went back was for the free coffee. caribou is the only coffee ill drink now. and only two or three kinds that we have. ground the way like it, brewed the way i like it. im a coffee snob. im not ashamed.

wednesday nights are spent out in the suburbs with the youth group i wrote about previously (the two junior-high girls that came to Christ). I love those two girls. i love all junior highers. talk about a sub culture that i will never understand. I try though. to them im probably the dorky college girl that tries to fit in with people half her age. i dont care.

fridays and saturdays are never consistent. sometimes i do homework, sometimes i dont. sometimes i babysit, sometimes i dont. i love my weekends off, but sometimes its nice to have some extra cash for school. gotta do what i can. sundays are homework, last minute sleep catch-up, and Bible study at night.

thats my week. throw in all the classes, misc meetings, homework, workouts, and ocassional sleep, and you're left with about 5 hours. maybe two of you cared. all i wanted to prove was that im busy. im using that as my excuse for not blogging. but i promise ill try to do better.

im having a hard time articulating tonight. i appologize, you'll have to bear with me. i feel like my head is so full of thoughts it could spew any minute. (i was about to use the word explode, but decided to go the more graphic route. just for kicks.) sometimes, you have those nights (i know you do) where there is so much going through your head its almost as if theres nothing at all. Tonight, is one of those nights. i could put my finger on a few things, but im choosing not to. i find that the more i wallow in my thoughts, especially when they arent necessarily possitive, im only hurting myself. articulating those thoughts doesnt help at all. once they are out, i find it harder to get rid of them. i need to give them to God before they spew all over.

take them.

i guess i have covered the basics. Now you're all up to date with my weekly schedule and the masses of thoughts that are going through my head. none of which i told you. this was possibly the least exciting thing i have ever written.

excepting my high school research paper.

but its still a blog. WAIT! NO! i take that back. this IS exciting. its my life. this is what i do day to day. this is the stage of life i am in. and its exciting. its confusing, its heartbreaking, its joyful. its teaching, its testing, its stretching. this is my life. this is what i do. sometimes i love this stage, sometimes i wish i was in any other stage of life. but regardless, this is where i am. God had me be born in 1988 so that in 2008 i would be in this stage of life.

i am content.