easier said than done.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5

Once upon a time, i was lacking wisdom. I wont explain the situation here. Too many words, thoughts, and emotions to place in one blog; and too much information. You'll just have to take my word for it. But wisdom was definitely not on the top of my "supplies" list. Which way to turn? Or not turn? How much is too much? Should i even be going there? So many unanswered questions... i figured if i followed suit with James 1:5, i theoretically should be able to figure out what i am supposed to do. So i prayed. For a while without much of a response.

Then i got a response.

It wasn't the response i wanted. I doubt I'm the only one who has experienced this. Its like, "here's what i want to do, but i don't know if its what God wants me to do, so maybe if i pray about it, God will confirm what i want to do. " Well, if you're listening correctly, that's not necessarily how it works. If you whole-heartedly pray for wisdom, you'll eventually get an answer. And then you have a choice. Do you listen to Gods voice and direction, or pretend like you still dont know whats going on and go with what you want to do? I wish i could say that i have always listened and followed God's leading. That would make me a liar. I often decide that i want to be in control after all, and go with what i have decided is a good idea. That never worked out so well for me. But no more. This time, i am listening to and following the wisdom that i feel God has placed within me for this situation.

Easier said than done.

Last night, i was great with God's decision. I was thankful for His wisdom imparted to me, and at peace about the decision i had to make and the direction i was going to or not going to take. I was actually excited about trusting God with my future. This morning, there was not quite as much peace involved. "This is stupid, why cant i just do what i want to do?"

Its so easy to fall into this attitude. At least for me. I pray for God's will, then i find it, then i dont want it anymore. There is kind of this battle inside of me. I want to follow God's will, but at the same time, i dont want to. In this battle im fighting, i know what direction i should take. I know that i should stop fighting and just retreat. God has made that pretty clear to me. As my commander, God has this whole battle under control. Thats what He keeps trying to tell me.

So here i sit. The morning after "figuring out Gods will." (at least in this area. I have in no way figured out God's full will for my life. If i knew that, i wouldnt be sitting in my dorm room at my laptop telling my blog exactly whats on my heart.) As hard as it is, im just following. Blindly, for sure, but nonetheless following. Trusting. Waiting.

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14