peanut butter and jelly.

time for my semester debriefing. i love the end of the semester when i can look back and see where i have come from. makes me feel like maybe something was accomplished this semester other than just 16 more credit hours.

call it introspection. call it reflection. call it paralysis of analysis (which is probably the most accurate description). you could call it peanut butter and jelly. but semester debriefing is fun for me.

if i could give this semester a theme, i would call it "grace. "

thats a play on words.

lets start theologically. never a bad idea. this semester was full of grace. because i probably need more grace than most people. maybe my parents anticipated that when they were naming me. maybe they knew that i would have a tendency to let the depraved side of me take over a little too often. but then, we would all have to be named grace. and that would just get complicated.

but God has shown me so much grace this semester. whenever i got discouraged or upset or impatient or irritated or discontent, i could just sense God waiting patiently for me. He always took me back when i started to feel really bad about myself. He's pretty awesome like that. i kinda felt like a three year old. you say sorry, and mean it, but then you see someone else who has a toy you want and decide the best way to get it is to punch them in the face. then you say sorry, and mean it. then you punch someone else in the face. i think i punched a lot of people in the face this semester.

metaphorically.

lets shift to the other grace i was talking about.
that grace is this one.
me.

this semester, i was so awakened to myself. its like i woke up every morning and was forced to look in the mirror. but instead of reflecting my ever-changing hair style, sleep deprived eyes, and irrespectivly attempted smile, it reflected my insides.

not blood and guts, you sicko.

my heart. and not the organ. grace, the heart. over and over again, i got a overwhelming dose of myself. everything i am was brought right in front of me; what drives me, what tears me down, all my insecurities, all my confidences, what i look like at my very best, and what i look like at my very worst.

grace.

we became very well acquainted this semester.

at first, it was all very overwhelming. i realized what a complicated mess of a human being i truly am. but at the same time, while God was displaying for me all the ways in which i have so far to go, He was also showing me all the ways in which He was maturing me. all the ways in which my insecurities were the best teacher i had ever had.

sometimes i get sick of learning.

seriously, sometimes i wish i could just learn a lesson and take a break. but there is no break. once one lesson has been taught (though not nearly mastered) the next lesson starts up. then before you know it, the next lesson begins. and dont plan on mastering that material, because dont you know it, the next one is coming.
so many lessons. always learning, and never mastering. just learning.

as a dear friend put it, "Grace, thats called growing."

graduation will come at glorification.

so here i sit. my first night at "home" after completing my fifth semester of college. blanket around my shoulders, mug full of hot tea next to my laptop propped up on the kitchen table. the only sounds i hear are ella fitzgerald singing to me the sad song of love and a faint chiming of the clock in the family room revealing to me that i should be sleeping. the main thoughts going through my head- with the exception of all the complicated ever-present wonderings - is that i just used a lot of words to say what i probably could have said in these seven:

i have grown a lot this semester.

definitely not without its trials, but it has been an incredible semester. i am thankful for what i have learned.

graduation is pretty far off though.

im still in kindergarten.