I, the utensil.

I, the spoon.

The fork.

Sometimes even the knife.

Utensils, yes.

Useful, perhaps.

Effective, on occasion.

But mere utensils.

No intent of alimentation.

A spoon does not nourish

A fork does not feed

A knife does not fulfill

[through self created will]

Rather the Hand that lifts the spoon

The fork

The knife…

[Hunger no more]

The Hand nourishes

Feeds

Fulfills

… on occasion employs the spoon

…the fork

…the knife.

I, the utensil.

Custom utilization,

According to the need.

At times…

a spoon to smoothly glide

a fork to probe

even a knife to sever

but sometimes…

the utensil of excess with unseen necessity

[as present at meals of importance]

… and so is momentarily left to the side.

I, the utensil, found positioned as such

More often than preferred

Self esteem decreasing

But worth not weighing in

[for dessert has yet to be served]

And so I wait

For the Hand’s timing of necessity.

Because I,

Am a mere utensil.

To linger and speculate the success of digestion?

Silly.

To patiently await succeeding usage?

Not so silly.

Stomachs are grumbling.

The Hand has work to do.

And I, the utensil,

Purpose unfleeting,

Anticipate employment.

whichever.

Ah, to be freed from the tyranny of forced articulation
To set my words free
Free to soar at will
wherever they fair
To no longer be told:
think this,
say that,
write now.
To be released from the hold of manipulative literacy
I long to dance upon the page
Steps scripted
yet not.
My hand, it desires to run
to skip, to jump
or to crawl
whichever.
My words are full of joy
full of pain
full of loss and gain.
Yet you wouldn’t know it
For confinement of expression.


But persevere, anxious words.
Your sentence is temporal.
With the sun comes your manifestation
In forms as never before.
You shall dance,
run,
or crawl.
whichever.
Until then, rest.
Your time approaches.
Anticipate your release.

dont forget where you are.

"If there were any place better for you than the one in which you find yourself, Divine Love would have placed you there." - Charles Spurgeon

I think to some extent we all experience that intense longing. That longing for what is to come.

Always striving. Always seeking. Always looking ahead.

Ahead to graduation. Ahead to marriage (or the potential of). Ahead to grad school or some great career. Ahead to all the great ways that God is going to use us in the future. We’re gonna be part of this great ministry, impact these lives, change the world.

As if God’s will for our lives starts after the completion of our 5 year plan.

Could it be possible that God’s plan for our lives started the second we entered this world?

I submit that it is.

Im a big-picture thinker. A future-istic thinker. I love looking ahead. Seeing what’s to come, dreaming about, thinking about, and planning my days to come. The problem is that this future-istic way of thinking is rarely accompanied by the necessary quantity of patience. I have this problem with anticipating the future to such a great degree that I completely forget about what God wants me to do NOW.

The kid that I nanny for seems to have the same problem.

He really likes legos. No, loves legos. Possibly borderline obsessive. And we arent talking regular old legos here. We're talking mega-sets, the kind where you get to build an entire continent's worth of cars, boats, and airplanes, by simply following the directions in the enclosed pamphlet. He's only 5, and has a difficult time figuring out where all the pieces go, so lucky me gets to sit for about 2 hours a day and "help" him put together his latest mode of transportation. This allows me to get quite the insight on how his little mind works.

Putting together the masterpiece, as thrilling as it is for him, is not as thrilling as the idea of the finished product. Every 10 minutes or so, he flips forward a few pages to see where we'll be at that point, and exclaims "awesome! i cant wait till we get there! it looks so cool!" Often he tries to stay at the spot that he flipped to, and start putting pieces together at a further point of the project. Time and time again, i have to patiently flip back the pages to the step in the directions where we really are, and explain to him how we cant just start putting pieces together whenever we want to, we have to put them together in the right order, otherwise our truck wont turn out the way that it's supposed to.

How often do we try to "flip ahead a few pages" and try to start putting together the pieces right there?

We still have a few steps to complete before we can begin putting peices on a further finished product, and need to pay attention to the directions we are supposed to be following at THIS point.

The people that are in my life, the circumstances I find myself in… they are such on purpose. They aren’t just to prepare me for my future ministry (although they undoubtedly play a role there as well). They are my ministry now. My ministry doesn’t begin with a diploma or a degree.

To some extent, looking ahead is healthy. There’s wisdom in being aware of how your current actions affect future outcomes, and wisdom in making plans for your future. But not so much that you lose sight of your current duty.

Be here now.

Don’t forget where you are.

Look behind, look ahead, but don’t ever forget to look beside you.

What you find there is there on purpose.

Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

training.

A thousand words racing through my head.

Not one will cease long enough to drink

water from the well of articulation,

of formulation,

of clarification.

The well overflows.

Not one word escapes.

Escapes from an inconsistent pace on a

course of which serves no purpose.

There is no prize,

no trophy,

no ribbons.

Running only resulting in exhaustion.

Exhaustion from over-use,

under-meditation.

Silly words.

Always analytical,

sometimes metaphorical,

rarely practical.

Rest, silly words.

Freedom is yours if only you cease

long enough to drink

deeply, deeply.

Slow down.

Grow up.

You’re only baby words.

Thoughts, really.

Stuck in a rut of self-discovery.

No rush.

Timing, sweet words. Wait for timing.

In the meantime, cease.

This course serves no need.

Catch your breath.

Drink deeply, deeply,

Tomorrow we shall start training.

eat the whole grapefruit.

half-surrender isnt possible.

either you're fully surrendered to God or you're not surrendered at all.

surrender is just not one of those things you can do half-way.

you could be half-sincere in your prayers.
you could half-trust God with your future.
shoot, you could even eat half a grapefruit.

but you cant half-surrender your life to God.

granted, its possible to surrender some areas of your life to God, and not others, but seriously.. is that really surrender?

NOPE.

half-surrendering your life to God is like taking half a shower.

stupid.

and very difficult to do entirely sane.

i could elaborate on that metaphor if you wanted me to; say something about how, just as you have to take all your clothes off in order to take a full shower and be completely clean, so we too must "strip" ourselves of anything that is hindering us of entirely surrendering to God...

i have a feeling though that the expounding of that metaphor would be purely for my own entertainment, and wouldnt necessarily get the point across any better.

besides, im not really trying to get a point across. this isnt a Bible study or a class assignment. This is just me processing.
processing the sudden realization that, even though i would claim to be fully surrendered to God, im not really, because when i really stop and think about it, there are several areas of my life that i afraid to fully surrender over to God.

becuase, after all, full surrender means that Grace no longer has control.

Grace isnt always comfortable with that.

of course, Grace also talks about herself in third person, so maybe you shouldnt really trust anything Grace has to say.

im getting off track.

all im trying to say is, if you're going to fully surrender your life to Christ, you cant keep holding a peice of it back. even a tiny little peice. because the truth, as i have recently been punched in the face with, is that whatever little tiny peice of your life you're refusing to surrender to God, is going to cause major problems when you come around to the point of wanting to deepen your relationship with Him. that little tiny peice will HUGELY hinder the ability with which you approach the throne of grace, longing to be held by the Prince of Peace.

it hurts a little, because life can get a little sour sometimes, but i have a feeling that, once you let go of that tiny little peice, and stop trying to half-surrender yourself to Christ, the result will be oh so sweet.

go ahead, eat the whole grapefruit.

constant dance of unpredictability.

change.

sometimes just the sound of that word makes me quiver.

I’m not a change kind of a person. With the exception of my hair and wall decorations, I try to do as much as I can to keep things exactly the way they are: comfortable. I live for my schedule, my reliability, my predictability. One thing goes slightly off track, and I have the potential of a nervous breakdown.

I think it’s the control freak in me that doesn’t adjust well. When things around me change, I can't do anything to stop it; and that’s what scares me. Maybe that’s why I so frequently change my hair and wall decorations. Its that one little area of my life where I can control exactly how much change is going on.

and maybe im just psycho-analyzing myself.

but I think there's truth to it. I don’t change well.

ergo, there has been so much change in my life recently. And its because I don’t like change. No doubt. Im struggling in a certain area, so im doomed to be tested in it. (and by doomed I mean in an optimistic kind of way). That’s part of why God is so awesome, and part of why growing is so hard.

but mostly why God is so awesome.

I have discovered a new-found strength to face the multiple facets of my life that are in a constant dance of unpredictability. And its not because im cool.

Its because God is awesome.

Its because, even though im being confronted with one of my biggest fears (that something might not actually stay the same way forever) I have also been constantly reminded of this:

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8.

Talk about a smack in the face.

I asked God why there wasn’t just one thing that could possibly not change. This verse is the next thought that entered my head. Since then, it hasn’t left my head. Its kind of like when you get a song stuck in your head and no matter what you do to try to get rid of it, theres no hope.

Except that its because of whats stuck in my head that I have hope.

That’s why God is awesome.

and so, here i am, willingly climbing into the car that will take me on the ridiculous road trip of change that i am sure this new semester will bring. Blindly sitting in the passenger seat; apprehensively buckling my seat belt (not because im against seat belts, but because i know once its buckled that means im staying in the car); and putting my life and all the events it brings into the hand of the driver:

the One who is, exactly, precisely, always, the same...

yesterday.

today.

and forever.

maybe, just maybe.

maybe im not cut out to be a counselor.

everytime i encounter someone needing advice, its like i just looked at myself in a giant mirror. a giant mirror exposing my every downfall. I advise someone about their situation, and im left sitting there convicted by my own words. I hear myself talking to someone about what they need to change in their life, and meanwhile i'm feeling like the hugest hypocrite in the world.

just a little overwhelming.

i tell the impatient to wait for God's perfect timing.... guess what my biggest struggle is?

i tell the self-pitying to count their blessings... guess what i have a hard time doing?

i tell the weak in heart to rely on Gods strength... guess what i need to start doing?

i tell the insecure to find their significance in God... guess where i need to place my own significance?

turns out, i should probably be learning the very same things as everyone else.

and i wonder why, at the end of the day, i have a hard time putting my finger a single lesson i have learned. i wonder why it feels like i am always learning about 7 and a half billion things at once. i wonder why i am on lesson overload.

maybe if i would start listening to my own advice.

maybe i would learn what it means to wait for Gods timing, and not just say i am. but really, truly, trust that God's timing is perfect.

maybe i would realize just how blessed i truly am. how silly it is for me to sit and feel sorry for myself.

maybe i would discover a new-found strength to make it through the day. perhaps even find that peace that passes all understanding.

maybe i would stop placing my significance in others, or my own accomplishments. stop being insecure in who God has created me to be. fully recognize my significance; as a child of God.

but maybe, just maybe, its good that i dont have it all together. maybe its good that i am forced to give the advice i need to hear. maybe its good that i am being convicted by every word that comes out of my mouth. maybe its good that i am on lesson overload. because clearly, i have a little to learn.

afterall, who wants to hear advice from someone who has all the answers. psh... not i.

maybe God wants to use a silly little counselor like me.