recollection of a dream.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009.

Just another Tuesday. Or so I thought.
Woke up, went to class, attended chapel. Saw Evan.
He looked and acted calm, cool, and collected. Apparently that’s not what was going on inside.
Went to another class.
Went to my room to kill time before I had to head to Allie’s office for some mysterious meeting…

*day before*
I had received an email from Allie, my RS, about a week ago asking me and 3 other RAs to come to her office on Tuesday at 4 pm to help her out with some project she was working on. She assured us it was just a quick job, but she really needed our help. As happens with most emails I receive, I read it, mentally comprehended its contents, and told myself I would reply later… of course that means that I totally forget to reply. Sometimes it doesn’t matter.

This was not one of those times.

So come yesterday, I receive another email from Allie, reminding us that she needs our help at 4 tomorrow… and asking us to please reply if we will be able to make it.
[at this point, Evan and all his cohorts are freaking out, since I of course have not confirmed that I will be at the meeting tomorrow…. And I kinda needed to be there]

Silly me, forgot to reply to another email. Allie was promptly replied to, assured that I would indeed be in attendance at this mysterious meeting.

*return to Tuesday*
3:55 rolls around and I make my way down two flights of stairs to Allies office on the first floor of our dorm. I walked in and was greeted by the usual Allie grin. “This is mysterious….” I tell her. “what are we doing?” A calm smile followed by “its just a project I need help with. I’ll fill you in once the other girls get here.”

5 minutes pass.

Allie picks up her phone to “find out where those other girls ended up”

They’re on their way, we’re assured.

2 minutes pass.

So there I am, sitting on Allie’s couch, living amidst a normal Tuesday afternoon when my world was suddenly on its way to being forever changed.

Into Allie’s office bound, dressed in black, 6 of my dearest friends and most favorite people on Moody campus. After some screaming and a bit of struggle on my part, I was blindfolded and picked up and carried out of Allies office, out of Houghton Hall, through campus (yelling, laughing, and all around hoopla ensuing on the part of my kidnappers), out to the parking lot where I was gently placed into a mysterious car with an unknown driver. My kidnappers bid me farewell and I was driven off into the silence (because of course the driver was not about to answer any of my questions).

10 minutes of excruciating silence pass.

“Ok,” says a familiar voice. “You can take off your blindfold.”

It was, of course, my best friend in the whole world, who had driven 2 hours down to Chicago to pick me up.

“NAOMI! OH MY GOSH! WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

A grin.

“Naomi, is this really it? Is it really happening tonight??”

Another grin.

By this point, I knew exactly what was going on.

*side note: I was shocked. I thought I totally had Evan figured out. I pride myself in being able to read people and pick up on subtleties. Of course, Evan knows this about me, and so was sending intentional accidental hints about another significant date that he would propose on.*

I was handed a small bag with snacks for the ride, compliments of my kidnappers, my makeup from my room (which was confiscated shortly before I was) a hot mug of coffee (do my kidnappers know me or what), and a large envelope.

Inside the large envelope contained 4 smaller envelopes. I was given permission to open the first one. And only the first one.

Inside, in Evan’s script, was a recollection in narrative form of the night that Evan asked me out on our first date. He retold events leading up to that first risk he took, and the thoughts and emotions revolving around the asking of the actual question.
March 22, 2009. Six months ago today.

Thus began mine and Naomi’s 2 hour car ride to my hometown, Port Washington, WI.

Vocal outbursts were occasional, butterflies remained constant.

Mile 50. I could now open envelope number 2.

A letter. Written with natural flow and giftedness, with the romance of Shakespeare. It was beautiful.

Vocal outbursts were occasional, butterflies remained constant

Mile 100. Envelope 3.

Another letter. Again from Evan, but it’s addressee was to One much higher than I: our glorious King, who had brought us together.

10 more minutes. As we got closer to Port Washington, the butterflies increased. I was commanded to replace the blindfold until directed otherwise. 10 minutes later, the car parked and I was permitted to remove the blindfold. We were parked at the bottom of a hill downtown. I was handed the fourth envelope.

“go to your spot…. I’ll meet you there.”

*my spot: a beautiful little lookout in Port Washington. Located at the top of a tall staircase, at the top stood a large Catholic church. Overlooking the lake and downtown main street which was lit up with lights, my spot was one in which I would frequently go to sit and think. It was also the place that I first told Evan that I love him.*

I made my way up the staircase. Already breathless before beginning my trek. The weather outside was perfect. Drizzling.

2 more steps.

There he was. Dressed in black dress pants, black dress shirt, black vest, and a white tie. Gosh he looked good.

I stood at the top of the stairs. Breathless. He walked up to me.

“Hi, baby.”

Much of the following moments are a blur in my mind, but his words were not lost in the moment. Those words however, are for my memory only.

Moments later, there he was. One knee touching the ground, small white box opened in front of me revealing the most breathtaking ring I had ever seen.

“Grace Elizabeth, will you marry me?”

I said no. just kidding.

A gleeful “YES!” followed by an embrace and a kiss in the rain.
The ring was slipped on to my finger. Perfect fit.

Breathtaking.

I never wanted that moment to end.

After relishing the moment for a while, we drove the half mile to my parents house where we were greeted by my parents and youngest sisters running out of the house to congratulate us. We had dinner with my parents, then left to drive back to campus.

We had class in the morning.

Back on campus, I was greeted with screams, hugs, and signs decorated by my RA small group and the girls on my floor. My hand was grabbed numerous times as I retold the dream I had just lived.

It was magical; every part. Beautifully executed; its amazing hearing the story from his side and all the little details that were worked out to make it so perfect.

And so our love story continues and our life together begins.

Thanks to Allie, my loyal RS who lied to my face.
Thanks to Katie, Kathleen, Kristin, Katelyn, Lisa Kay, and Jessica, my kidnappers and dear friends.
Thanks to Naomi, my best friend in the entire world. And apparently a really good liar. I had no idea. Your friendship has shaped me into the woman that Evan will marry.
Thanks to my parents, i dont even know where to begin. thanks for putting up with me these 21 years so far and daddy for giving Evan permission. my prayer is that our marriage looks like yours.
Thanks to Evan: my prince charming, my best friend. I cant wait to marry you.
And Thanks to God. For Your faithfulness, for bringing us together, for teaching us how to love.

I’m slightly excited.

I, the utensil.

I, the spoon.

The fork.

Sometimes even the knife.

Utensils, yes.

Useful, perhaps.

Effective, on occasion.

But mere utensils.

No intent of alimentation.

A spoon does not nourish

A fork does not feed

A knife does not fulfill

[through self created will]

Rather the Hand that lifts the spoon

The fork

The knife…

[Hunger no more]

The Hand nourishes

Feeds

Fulfills

… on occasion employs the spoon

…the fork

…the knife.

I, the utensil.

Custom utilization,

According to the need.

At times…

a spoon to smoothly glide

a fork to probe

even a knife to sever

but sometimes…

the utensil of excess with unseen necessity

[as present at meals of importance]

… and so is momentarily left to the side.

I, the utensil, found positioned as such

More often than preferred

Self esteem decreasing

But worth not weighing in

[for dessert has yet to be served]

And so I wait

For the Hand’s timing of necessity.

Because I,

Am a mere utensil.

To linger and speculate the success of digestion?

Silly.

To patiently await succeeding usage?

Not so silly.

Stomachs are grumbling.

The Hand has work to do.

And I, the utensil,

Purpose unfleeting,

Anticipate employment.

whichever.

Ah, to be freed from the tyranny of forced articulation
To set my words free
Free to soar at will
wherever they fair
To no longer be told:
think this,
say that,
write now.
To be released from the hold of manipulative literacy
I long to dance upon the page
Steps scripted
yet not.
My hand, it desires to run
to skip, to jump
or to crawl
whichever.
My words are full of joy
full of pain
full of loss and gain.
Yet you wouldn’t know it
For confinement of expression.


But persevere, anxious words.
Your sentence is temporal.
With the sun comes your manifestation
In forms as never before.
You shall dance,
run,
or crawl.
whichever.
Until then, rest.
Your time approaches.
Anticipate your release.

dont forget where you are.

"If there were any place better for you than the one in which you find yourself, Divine Love would have placed you there." - Charles Spurgeon

I think to some extent we all experience that intense longing. That longing for what is to come.

Always striving. Always seeking. Always looking ahead.

Ahead to graduation. Ahead to marriage (or the potential of). Ahead to grad school or some great career. Ahead to all the great ways that God is going to use us in the future. We’re gonna be part of this great ministry, impact these lives, change the world.

As if God’s will for our lives starts after the completion of our 5 year plan.

Could it be possible that God’s plan for our lives started the second we entered this world?

I submit that it is.

Im a big-picture thinker. A future-istic thinker. I love looking ahead. Seeing what’s to come, dreaming about, thinking about, and planning my days to come. The problem is that this future-istic way of thinking is rarely accompanied by the necessary quantity of patience. I have this problem with anticipating the future to such a great degree that I completely forget about what God wants me to do NOW.

The kid that I nanny for seems to have the same problem.

He really likes legos. No, loves legos. Possibly borderline obsessive. And we arent talking regular old legos here. We're talking mega-sets, the kind where you get to build an entire continent's worth of cars, boats, and airplanes, by simply following the directions in the enclosed pamphlet. He's only 5, and has a difficult time figuring out where all the pieces go, so lucky me gets to sit for about 2 hours a day and "help" him put together his latest mode of transportation. This allows me to get quite the insight on how his little mind works.

Putting together the masterpiece, as thrilling as it is for him, is not as thrilling as the idea of the finished product. Every 10 minutes or so, he flips forward a few pages to see where we'll be at that point, and exclaims "awesome! i cant wait till we get there! it looks so cool!" Often he tries to stay at the spot that he flipped to, and start putting pieces together at a further point of the project. Time and time again, i have to patiently flip back the pages to the step in the directions where we really are, and explain to him how we cant just start putting pieces together whenever we want to, we have to put them together in the right order, otherwise our truck wont turn out the way that it's supposed to.

How often do we try to "flip ahead a few pages" and try to start putting together the pieces right there?

We still have a few steps to complete before we can begin putting peices on a further finished product, and need to pay attention to the directions we are supposed to be following at THIS point.

The people that are in my life, the circumstances I find myself in… they are such on purpose. They aren’t just to prepare me for my future ministry (although they undoubtedly play a role there as well). They are my ministry now. My ministry doesn’t begin with a diploma or a degree.

To some extent, looking ahead is healthy. There’s wisdom in being aware of how your current actions affect future outcomes, and wisdom in making plans for your future. But not so much that you lose sight of your current duty.

Be here now.

Don’t forget where you are.

Look behind, look ahead, but don’t ever forget to look beside you.

What you find there is there on purpose.

Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

training.

A thousand words racing through my head.

Not one will cease long enough to drink

water from the well of articulation,

of formulation,

of clarification.

The well overflows.

Not one word escapes.

Escapes from an inconsistent pace on a

course of which serves no purpose.

There is no prize,

no trophy,

no ribbons.

Running only resulting in exhaustion.

Exhaustion from over-use,

under-meditation.

Silly words.

Always analytical,

sometimes metaphorical,

rarely practical.

Rest, silly words.

Freedom is yours if only you cease

long enough to drink

deeply, deeply.

Slow down.

Grow up.

You’re only baby words.

Thoughts, really.

Stuck in a rut of self-discovery.

No rush.

Timing, sweet words. Wait for timing.

In the meantime, cease.

This course serves no need.

Catch your breath.

Drink deeply, deeply,

Tomorrow we shall start training.

eat the whole grapefruit.

half-surrender isnt possible.

either you're fully surrendered to God or you're not surrendered at all.

surrender is just not one of those things you can do half-way.

you could be half-sincere in your prayers.
you could half-trust God with your future.
shoot, you could even eat half a grapefruit.

but you cant half-surrender your life to God.

granted, its possible to surrender some areas of your life to God, and not others, but seriously.. is that really surrender?

NOPE.

half-surrendering your life to God is like taking half a shower.

stupid.

and very difficult to do entirely sane.

i could elaborate on that metaphor if you wanted me to; say something about how, just as you have to take all your clothes off in order to take a full shower and be completely clean, so we too must "strip" ourselves of anything that is hindering us of entirely surrendering to God...

i have a feeling though that the expounding of that metaphor would be purely for my own entertainment, and wouldnt necessarily get the point across any better.

besides, im not really trying to get a point across. this isnt a Bible study or a class assignment. This is just me processing.
processing the sudden realization that, even though i would claim to be fully surrendered to God, im not really, because when i really stop and think about it, there are several areas of my life that i afraid to fully surrender over to God.

becuase, after all, full surrender means that Grace no longer has control.

Grace isnt always comfortable with that.

of course, Grace also talks about herself in third person, so maybe you shouldnt really trust anything Grace has to say.

im getting off track.

all im trying to say is, if you're going to fully surrender your life to Christ, you cant keep holding a peice of it back. even a tiny little peice. because the truth, as i have recently been punched in the face with, is that whatever little tiny peice of your life you're refusing to surrender to God, is going to cause major problems when you come around to the point of wanting to deepen your relationship with Him. that little tiny peice will HUGELY hinder the ability with which you approach the throne of grace, longing to be held by the Prince of Peace.

it hurts a little, because life can get a little sour sometimes, but i have a feeling that, once you let go of that tiny little peice, and stop trying to half-surrender yourself to Christ, the result will be oh so sweet.

go ahead, eat the whole grapefruit.

constant dance of unpredictability.

change.

sometimes just the sound of that word makes me quiver.

I’m not a change kind of a person. With the exception of my hair and wall decorations, I try to do as much as I can to keep things exactly the way they are: comfortable. I live for my schedule, my reliability, my predictability. One thing goes slightly off track, and I have the potential of a nervous breakdown.

I think it’s the control freak in me that doesn’t adjust well. When things around me change, I can't do anything to stop it; and that’s what scares me. Maybe that’s why I so frequently change my hair and wall decorations. Its that one little area of my life where I can control exactly how much change is going on.

and maybe im just psycho-analyzing myself.

but I think there's truth to it. I don’t change well.

ergo, there has been so much change in my life recently. And its because I don’t like change. No doubt. Im struggling in a certain area, so im doomed to be tested in it. (and by doomed I mean in an optimistic kind of way). That’s part of why God is so awesome, and part of why growing is so hard.

but mostly why God is so awesome.

I have discovered a new-found strength to face the multiple facets of my life that are in a constant dance of unpredictability. And its not because im cool.

Its because God is awesome.

Its because, even though im being confronted with one of my biggest fears (that something might not actually stay the same way forever) I have also been constantly reminded of this:

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8.

Talk about a smack in the face.

I asked God why there wasn’t just one thing that could possibly not change. This verse is the next thought that entered my head. Since then, it hasn’t left my head. Its kind of like when you get a song stuck in your head and no matter what you do to try to get rid of it, theres no hope.

Except that its because of whats stuck in my head that I have hope.

That’s why God is awesome.

and so, here i am, willingly climbing into the car that will take me on the ridiculous road trip of change that i am sure this new semester will bring. Blindly sitting in the passenger seat; apprehensively buckling my seat belt (not because im against seat belts, but because i know once its buckled that means im staying in the car); and putting my life and all the events it brings into the hand of the driver:

the One who is, exactly, precisely, always, the same...

yesterday.

today.

and forever.

maybe, just maybe.

maybe im not cut out to be a counselor.

everytime i encounter someone needing advice, its like i just looked at myself in a giant mirror. a giant mirror exposing my every downfall. I advise someone about their situation, and im left sitting there convicted by my own words. I hear myself talking to someone about what they need to change in their life, and meanwhile i'm feeling like the hugest hypocrite in the world.

just a little overwhelming.

i tell the impatient to wait for God's perfect timing.... guess what my biggest struggle is?

i tell the self-pitying to count their blessings... guess what i have a hard time doing?

i tell the weak in heart to rely on Gods strength... guess what i need to start doing?

i tell the insecure to find their significance in God... guess where i need to place my own significance?

turns out, i should probably be learning the very same things as everyone else.

and i wonder why, at the end of the day, i have a hard time putting my finger a single lesson i have learned. i wonder why it feels like i am always learning about 7 and a half billion things at once. i wonder why i am on lesson overload.

maybe if i would start listening to my own advice.

maybe i would learn what it means to wait for Gods timing, and not just say i am. but really, truly, trust that God's timing is perfect.

maybe i would realize just how blessed i truly am. how silly it is for me to sit and feel sorry for myself.

maybe i would discover a new-found strength to make it through the day. perhaps even find that peace that passes all understanding.

maybe i would stop placing my significance in others, or my own accomplishments. stop being insecure in who God has created me to be. fully recognize my significance; as a child of God.

but maybe, just maybe, its good that i dont have it all together. maybe its good that i am forced to give the advice i need to hear. maybe its good that i am being convicted by every word that comes out of my mouth. maybe its good that i am on lesson overload. because clearly, i have a little to learn.

afterall, who wants to hear advice from someone who has all the answers. psh... not i.

maybe God wants to use a silly little counselor like me.

peanut butter and jelly.

time for my semester debriefing. i love the end of the semester when i can look back and see where i have come from. makes me feel like maybe something was accomplished this semester other than just 16 more credit hours.

call it introspection. call it reflection. call it paralysis of analysis (which is probably the most accurate description). you could call it peanut butter and jelly. but semester debriefing is fun for me.

if i could give this semester a theme, i would call it "grace. "

thats a play on words.

lets start theologically. never a bad idea. this semester was full of grace. because i probably need more grace than most people. maybe my parents anticipated that when they were naming me. maybe they knew that i would have a tendency to let the depraved side of me take over a little too often. but then, we would all have to be named grace. and that would just get complicated.

but God has shown me so much grace this semester. whenever i got discouraged or upset or impatient or irritated or discontent, i could just sense God waiting patiently for me. He always took me back when i started to feel really bad about myself. He's pretty awesome like that. i kinda felt like a three year old. you say sorry, and mean it, but then you see someone else who has a toy you want and decide the best way to get it is to punch them in the face. then you say sorry, and mean it. then you punch someone else in the face. i think i punched a lot of people in the face this semester.

metaphorically.

lets shift to the other grace i was talking about.
that grace is this one.
me.

this semester, i was so awakened to myself. its like i woke up every morning and was forced to look in the mirror. but instead of reflecting my ever-changing hair style, sleep deprived eyes, and irrespectivly attempted smile, it reflected my insides.

not blood and guts, you sicko.

my heart. and not the organ. grace, the heart. over and over again, i got a overwhelming dose of myself. everything i am was brought right in front of me; what drives me, what tears me down, all my insecurities, all my confidences, what i look like at my very best, and what i look like at my very worst.

grace.

we became very well acquainted this semester.

at first, it was all very overwhelming. i realized what a complicated mess of a human being i truly am. but at the same time, while God was displaying for me all the ways in which i have so far to go, He was also showing me all the ways in which He was maturing me. all the ways in which my insecurities were the best teacher i had ever had.

sometimes i get sick of learning.

seriously, sometimes i wish i could just learn a lesson and take a break. but there is no break. once one lesson has been taught (though not nearly mastered) the next lesson starts up. then before you know it, the next lesson begins. and dont plan on mastering that material, because dont you know it, the next one is coming.
so many lessons. always learning, and never mastering. just learning.

as a dear friend put it, "Grace, thats called growing."

graduation will come at glorification.

so here i sit. my first night at "home" after completing my fifth semester of college. blanket around my shoulders, mug full of hot tea next to my laptop propped up on the kitchen table. the only sounds i hear are ella fitzgerald singing to me the sad song of love and a faint chiming of the clock in the family room revealing to me that i should be sleeping. the main thoughts going through my head- with the exception of all the complicated ever-present wonderings - is that i just used a lot of words to say what i probably could have said in these seven:

i have grown a lot this semester.

definitely not without its trials, but it has been an incredible semester. i am thankful for what i have learned.

graduation is pretty far off though.

im still in kindergarten.

sometimes she forgets.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,"

-William Shakespeare. As you like it.



behind the eyes, behind the smile. dig deep.
dig through the laughter.
dig through the wit.
dig deep.
through layers and layers of valiant attempts to repair.
imagine you're able to dig through them all.
what do you see?
pain? hurt? long-repressed tears?
ill tell you what you wont find,
if you can dig that deep.
you wont find eyes. you wont find smiles.
you wont find laughter. you wont find wit.
if anything, you'll find a pseudo reality of joy, clung to tightly by its owner.

why?

why hide?

no one's counting.

this isnt a game.

imagine with me a scenario.
a typical interaction in the hall on the way to somewhere
you dont want to go:
"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, you?"
"Good."
"Great, see you later."

what if the answer was, "not good. not good at all. im barely hanging in there."
what if i told you those 11 words are most frequently abbreviated to "Good."

would you still ask how they are doing?
do you still care?

why is it that we are so blessed?
blessed with a mind to formulate thoughts.
blessed with a mouth to articulate thoughts.

why does our formulating and articulating result in cliche?
im no mathematician, but those two dont add up.

what are we afraid of them seeing?
a real person?
because last i checked,
most of us are of the more real variety of human.

so what if they know.
so what if they see us cry.
so what if we happen to tell them why it hurts.

why is the easiest costume for pain to put on... a hearty laugh?

im about to say something shocking.

Christians hurt too.

we may have the joy of the Lord,
but the ocean we swim in is infested with sorrow.

clear the beach.
tell all your friends.
act 1 has ended.
the players are back stage putting on the next costume.

warming up their voices. getting into character.

but enter center stage with me.

she's beautiful. her tiara sparkles. her lines are flawless; thoroughly rehearsed.
but dig beneath the gown, deeper than the rib cage

her heart.
and it doesnt sparkle quite like the tiara does.

take her off stage. tell her the shows over.
sometimes she forgets.
gently take the tiara out of her hand.

tell her she can stop hiding now.

no ones counting.

his loving compassion, it knows no end.

meditate on these.

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

Sara Groves.

hug them and make it all go away.

"May my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God."

This was said by Robert Pierce, the founder of World Vision. Ever since i heard this quote last year, it has kind of become my life prayer. i thought it might be nice to care people.

the funny thing is that when you make something your life prayer, very often it eventually comes true. lately, this has come true. and my heart has been broken.

i have so many hurting friends. and recently, i have been impacted by them more than i usually am. when i see them crying, i want to cry. when i know that they are in pain, my stomach just knots up. all i want is to hug them and make it all go away.

im not saying this to be like, "look at me, i care about people." Because the thing is, it is so hard. i feel like my heart is re-broken every day. i think its because the thing that is making people hurt the most lately, is relationships. and for any of you who know me even a little bit, you know that relationships really... i dunno, fascinate me? relationships of every kind, whether romantic or platonic, i find to be the most interesting thing about a person. i have an interesting philosophy of relationships. at least i will once i formulate it. im still trying to formulate my theolgy of relationships. but thats a whole 'nother blog, a whole 'nother time.

this blog is ridiculous. pretty much, these are just the random thoughts that i have been mulling over for a few weeks. once i have a little more time on my hands (so basically, when i retire) i promise i will be posting something lengthy and profound.

woot.

be careful what you pray for. God hears it.

tonight, my faith was attacked in every possible sense of the word. i have never experienced opposition like i did tonight, and im still not sure how to process it all.

it all happened at work. caribou coffee; its monday night. i work with the same guy every monday night. our schedules are very consistent. its him and me for 5 hours. every monday night. he knows that i go to moody, and i know a little about the lifestyle he lives, but other than that, we have never really had any discussions regarding faith before.

all of that changed tonight.

i dont even know how it got started. all of a sudden, there i was, listening to him tear apart and argue with everything i believe in. he was being polite, and his intention was not to embarrass me or prove me wrong, but he was posing questions and arguments like i had never been personally faced with before. but heres the thing: this guy was in no way arguing out of ignorance. he grew up in the church, he had read the Bible, he knew what it said. in fact, there were parts of the Bible that he knew better than i did. He started asking me questions that i never thought i would be asked outside of systematic theology. questions like, "how did they determine which book were included in the canon; how do they know they got the right ones?", "how can each gospel portrays a different aspect of Jesus' life and still not contradict eachother. how can they still be talking about the same Jesus when they are from such different points of view? how is Jesus both God and man?", "why is it that some parts of the Bible say that all you need is faith, while others say that faith without works is dead?", and "why is it that in the Old Testament they had to make sacrifices for their sin, and now we dont?" <---- that one i at least could answer, which gave a great segue into the gospel message, and was feeling pretty proud of myself that i finally had an answer, until he asked: "well why is it that God waited until the New Testament times to send Jesus to die? Why couldnt Jesus die at the beginning of time and just by-pass all the sacrifices in the Old Testament?"

see what i mean....

i was defenseless. he was asking questions that people who devote their entire lives to studying the Bible cant answer. and there i was in that position. i stood my ground, though. i was consistent in my answers, and i even had scripture to back up most of my points. i totally tapped into my moody knowledge bank. and yet, i felt so stupid. you use the answer "because thats what the Bible tells us" for 50 consecutive questions and tell me you dont feel like an idiot. specially trying to explain that the Bible is true because the Bible says its true. yea, he didnt buy that. truth be told, i was more persuaded by his answers than mine. it came to the point where i just had to tell him... im sorry. i dont have all the answers. but what i do have is faith.

so what now? i have no idea. i dont know why God allowed this to happen to me. tonight challenged my faith like very few things have. but i think my faith is just a little bit stronger now because of it. its been a while since i had to really think: why do i believe this stuff? why am i devoting my entire life to the study of a book that most people dont even think is true? what makes me think im following the "right God?" i dont know. i dont know why i was so blessed to be one of the called ones. but for whatever reason, i was chosen. and am unabashedly following my calling. even if i dont have all the answers.

i think its important for me to mention here that on my way to work tonight i was praying that God would open some doors for me to talk to my coworker about my faith.

be careful what you pray for. God hears it.

what do i know of holy?

its the next day, and i have yet to articulate my thoughts. there are so many concerns, so many uncertainties. i am finding myself to be somewhat gripped by the paralysis of analysis. tonight at Bible study we split up into prayer groups and the girls and i in my group were talking about how restless we all are. i am not alone. not one of us was feeling peace about anything necessarily. maybe its just that point in the semester, but i think it goes deeper than that. as we prayed to close the night, we all found ourselves begging God to bring our hearts and minds to peace.

God is bigger than our anxieties. He created a universe so large that we cant even measure its vastness. and He created the very atoms and molecules that we are composed of. why are we so naive to think that He cant take care of the anxieties in our lives. how little we know of God, and yet we think we can do this "life thing" so much better than He can.

as we shared and prayed, i couldnt help but be reminded of this song by addison road. its most likely one of my favorite songs ever. i have been wanting to post the lyrics on my blog, and this gives me a good excuse to. i know its annoying when people post song lyric, but please humor me and at least read them. maybe you could meditate on them a little too. they really speak to how i am feeling right now. i know im not alone.

What do i know of Holy - Addison Road.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire, are You fury?
Are You sacred, are You beautiful?
What do I know, what do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

excepting my high school research paper.

ive been receiving feedback. feeedback as such that says that i havent posted a blog in 5 weeks and thats not acceptable.

sorry.

i will now make excuses about why i havent posted in 5 weeks.

college.

turns out it keeps you busy. throughout the week i have a grand total of about 5 hours of "free time, " as if i even know what that means. i nanny now, which, i love. im kinda a stand-in mom for a couple days a week. the kids are great. at times very high-maintenence, and at times makes me want to strangle myself. or them. BUT, nonetheless my heart is full of love for those kids. Isabelle is 8, Julian is 4. i call them my kids. sometimes i feel like they are. honestly, it makes me so excited to be a mom someday. even though they take so much work. i can see now why my mom said it was so worth it. they take up my tuesdays and thursdays. two full days well spent.

monday nights i still work at Caribou Coffee. the main reason i went back was for the free coffee. caribou is the only coffee ill drink now. and only two or three kinds that we have. ground the way like it, brewed the way i like it. im a coffee snob. im not ashamed.

wednesday nights are spent out in the suburbs with the youth group i wrote about previously (the two junior-high girls that came to Christ). I love those two girls. i love all junior highers. talk about a sub culture that i will never understand. I try though. to them im probably the dorky college girl that tries to fit in with people half her age. i dont care.

fridays and saturdays are never consistent. sometimes i do homework, sometimes i dont. sometimes i babysit, sometimes i dont. i love my weekends off, but sometimes its nice to have some extra cash for school. gotta do what i can. sundays are homework, last minute sleep catch-up, and Bible study at night.

thats my week. throw in all the classes, misc meetings, homework, workouts, and ocassional sleep, and you're left with about 5 hours. maybe two of you cared. all i wanted to prove was that im busy. im using that as my excuse for not blogging. but i promise ill try to do better.

im having a hard time articulating tonight. i appologize, you'll have to bear with me. i feel like my head is so full of thoughts it could spew any minute. (i was about to use the word explode, but decided to go the more graphic route. just for kicks.) sometimes, you have those nights (i know you do) where there is so much going through your head its almost as if theres nothing at all. Tonight, is one of those nights. i could put my finger on a few things, but im choosing not to. i find that the more i wallow in my thoughts, especially when they arent necessarily possitive, im only hurting myself. articulating those thoughts doesnt help at all. once they are out, i find it harder to get rid of them. i need to give them to God before they spew all over.

take them.

i guess i have covered the basics. Now you're all up to date with my weekly schedule and the masses of thoughts that are going through my head. none of which i told you. this was possibly the least exciting thing i have ever written.

excepting my high school research paper.

but its still a blog. WAIT! NO! i take that back. this IS exciting. its my life. this is what i do day to day. this is the stage of life i am in. and its exciting. its confusing, its heartbreaking, its joyful. its teaching, its testing, its stretching. this is my life. this is what i do. sometimes i love this stage, sometimes i wish i was in any other stage of life. but regardless, this is where i am. God had me be born in 1988 so that in 2008 i would be in this stage of life.

i am content.

easier said than done.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5

Once upon a time, i was lacking wisdom. I wont explain the situation here. Too many words, thoughts, and emotions to place in one blog; and too much information. You'll just have to take my word for it. But wisdom was definitely not on the top of my "supplies" list. Which way to turn? Or not turn? How much is too much? Should i even be going there? So many unanswered questions... i figured if i followed suit with James 1:5, i theoretically should be able to figure out what i am supposed to do. So i prayed. For a while without much of a response.

Then i got a response.

It wasn't the response i wanted. I doubt I'm the only one who has experienced this. Its like, "here's what i want to do, but i don't know if its what God wants me to do, so maybe if i pray about it, God will confirm what i want to do. " Well, if you're listening correctly, that's not necessarily how it works. If you whole-heartedly pray for wisdom, you'll eventually get an answer. And then you have a choice. Do you listen to Gods voice and direction, or pretend like you still dont know whats going on and go with what you want to do? I wish i could say that i have always listened and followed God's leading. That would make me a liar. I often decide that i want to be in control after all, and go with what i have decided is a good idea. That never worked out so well for me. But no more. This time, i am listening to and following the wisdom that i feel God has placed within me for this situation.

Easier said than done.

Last night, i was great with God's decision. I was thankful for His wisdom imparted to me, and at peace about the decision i had to make and the direction i was going to or not going to take. I was actually excited about trusting God with my future. This morning, there was not quite as much peace involved. "This is stupid, why cant i just do what i want to do?"

Its so easy to fall into this attitude. At least for me. I pray for God's will, then i find it, then i dont want it anymore. There is kind of this battle inside of me. I want to follow God's will, but at the same time, i dont want to. In this battle im fighting, i know what direction i should take. I know that i should stop fighting and just retreat. God has made that pretty clear to me. As my commander, God has this whole battle under control. Thats what He keeps trying to tell me.

So here i sit. The morning after "figuring out Gods will." (at least in this area. I have in no way figured out God's full will for my life. If i knew that, i wouldnt be sitting in my dorm room at my laptop telling my blog exactly whats on my heart.) As hard as it is, im just following. Blindly, for sure, but nonetheless following. Trusting. Waiting.

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

two hours later, and the goosbumps still linger.

You want a cure-all for your problems, questions, and worries...?

Be sitting in the room when two junior high girls give their lives to Christ.

No matter how many times you are privileged enough to be the one that God uses to bring them to Him, it doesn't get old. Two hours later, and the goosebumps still linger.

At youth group tonight, i was instantly discouraged when 9 of my 11 girls didnt show up. "Two girls tonight, God? Are you serious? What did i do wrong?" Still, i put on a happy face as we walked into the hall to have a little pow-pow on the floor for our small group time. Normally we would sit in a nice room with a nice table and nice walls around us. That seemed too huge for us, so our little threesome meandered into the hall and sat down. Our lesson was on sin. Assuming that the two 13-year olds in front of me were well aquainted with the ways of the church, i just breezed through the questions and discussion until i got to the end. I said something along the lines of "... and thats why Christ died for us." Something inside of me told me that i should tell the whole story. So, i quickly brushed through the story of Christ dying on the cross for our sins and was instantly met with confused looks from both girls. I was shocked to find out that this was the first time they had even heard the gospel message. I quickly and silently asked God for strength and words and slowly started at the beginning. As i told the girls the story of God sending His only Son to earth the die, i watched the expression on their faces turn from confusion to utter awe. "God did that for us?" They were ecsatic. I was news like they had never heard before. One girl stated, "It really makes me want to tell everyone!" They were full of questions, full of excitement. After asking them if they wanted to accept Christ's free gift of eternal life right then, one responded with an instant nod then turned to her friend. "Thats exactly what i was thinking." was her contemplative reply.

Only God knows exactly what was in their hearts as they prayed with me tonight. But if my own excitement is any indication of how happy they felt, there are three individuals that are absolutely on top of the world tonight. Like i said, i never gets old.

I completely forgot what i was worrying about earlier. Boys maybe? Who cares.

yet here i am.

blogs.... frighten me.... and yet here i am. Something about bearing all thoughts and feelings for... who knows... to read, doesn't seem quite right. and yet here i am. Every experience i have had with blogs, hasn't necessarily been positive. I think this is primarily because every experience i have had with blogs end up with my friends (as well as myself) bearing WAY too much information into their complicated minds that most of the world has no business knowing about. and yet here i am. I think its important to note here though that the last experience i had with blogs was myspace in high school. enough said. A 16 year old writing a myspace blog usually doesn't have much of a filtering system. so, here i am... no longer the 16 year old complicated mess with no filtering system. Instead, i approach the blogging world now as a 20 year old complicated mess with probably too much of a filtering system. Perhaps I'll be able to find a happy medium. That striving has kind of been the story of my life. (wait.. is that revealing too much?)

regardless of my apprehensions (big word points), here i am. Face to face with the probably-not-as-complex-as-i-think-it-is world of blogging. I think the main reason i gave into this was because i often find myself wanting to just get my thoughts out there, and the only mode i had been using was facebook notes. (i know... big stuff. i have moved on from myspace to facebook. true signs of maturity)

so, after that extended, unneeded introduction, i welcome thee, to my blog. The site where you will now be able to experience the intricacies of my complex mind every once and a while. This is not for the physically weak. It could be a bumpy ride.